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Unnecessary clapping
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and other white elephants
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from Galanty Miller
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I gave it all up to pursue my dream of being poor./ Let’s all give a big round of applause to unnecessary clapping./ I won’t be able to attend your wedding because I’ve been invited to play Candy Crush on the same day./ I was acquitted on all charges except “threatening the jury”./ My wife and I are into threesomes because we both prefer to be on top./ The worst part about going to court for jaywalking was having to face the victims’ families./ Yes, it’s a very sexy steak. But stop looking at it like it’s a piece of meat./ If you accidentally spill a little seltzer on your shirt, what’s the best way to get it out?/ I wrote a screenplay about thieves who come up with a clever way to rob a bank. But rather than sell my script, I decided to just rob a bank./ My last words were “God this sucks.” Oop- I meant that those were my FIRST words./ I would like to see a reality show about what the Kardashians do when the cameras are *off*./ You can’t spell ‘friend’ without ‘end.’/ My wife and I had that awkward conversation, which every couple goes through, where we point out each other’s physical flaws./ My company guarantees you’ll love our cash or your money back!/ I’ve been driving around with this prostitute for hours looking for a spot because I refuse to pay for parking./ I can’t wait to find out who Playboy names as its Playmate of the Yea… oh, hey, free Internet Porn!/ I’m self-conscious about being naked. So when I shower, I use a body double./ Never let people stop you from reaching your dreams- unless those people happen to be *in* your 
dreams, in which case it’s too late./ I would be okay with having the last name “Genital” unless I was a general./ We set up our campsite here in this nice air-conditioned hotel room./ I told my teenage son that if he’s going to have sex, he should do it in the safety of our own crack house./ I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. (That’s the last time we use glue during sex.)/ I would only call 9-1-1 after I exhausted all other means of trying to open this pickle jar./ Hey! I lost 19 pounds on the “If You Lose More Than 20 Pounds We Will Murder Your Family” diet!/ My wife and I are so embarrassed! This morning, our kids walked in on us having a fight about why we never have sex. / She’s beautiful and she never turns around. She would make a perfect oneway model. / I don’t think snakes should have the right to bear arms./ The odds of winning the lottery are 100 million-to-one, which isn’t bad considering I didn’t buy a ticket./ Osama bin Laden will never get to experience the joy of being a grandparent. That’s KARMA, bitch!/ My friend is a functioning alcoholic. He only gets drunk at functions./ My son asked if there were monsters under his bed. I responded, “Maybe YOU are the monster.”/ “I don’t see ‘race’.” – blind Ku Klux Klan member/ It is the schools’ responsibility to keep our desks safe./ I never congratulate a woman on her pregnancy unless I’m absolutely sure she has a big belly./ I was a terrible male prostitute due to my low sex drive./ I’m finally at that age where I don’t care that people don’t think about me./ I dreamt that I died. But when I woke up, I was still dead./ My fiancé and I are getting married during the end-of-the-world Armageddon. Save the date!/ Legalizing drugs would send a terrible message to children I’ve mugged for drug money./ I was standing at the urinal with a friend, having a conversation. It wasn’t awkward, though, because we weren’t going to the bathroom./ I believe in being totally honest in situations where it benefits me./ I’ve always relied on the kindness of psychopaths.
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