Tim Evans photo via Unsplash
***
On fabricated autobiographies
and other euphemisms
By Galanty Miller
I‘m organizing a fundraiser to pay for all this fancy cheese./ Our fingernails never stop growing — which, when you think about it, basically makes us monsters./ And yet another day goes by where “OMG That’s so f*cked up!” was the sentence I said the most./ I would like to see CNN host a political debate for the candidates’ spouses./ Never look a gift horse in the mouth… unless someone gives you an iWatch. Then you should shoot it./ I think everyone is 49% gay and 49% straight. And the other 2% is our sexual attraction to furniture./ I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve lost a finger. (twice)
Everybody has a best friend. But not everybody is somebody’s best friend. Life is sad./ Guns don’t chill people. Relaxing music chills people./ The flight was a nightmare because I was sitting next to a screaming, neglected baby the entire time. Next time I’m leaving him home./ Well, I’ve read the Bible, and nowhere does it say anything about a PopeMobile./ We couldn’t enjoy our romantic dinner because of all the screaming kids in the background.That’s the last time I take a date to Chuck E. Cheese./ I save all my credit card statements from the last five years just in case I ever decide to pay them./ I think that police should also wear body cameras inside their clothes so that we can see their genitals.
Walter Gurbo Drawing Room, Cosmic Two-headed Beard
Darn, I can’t remember where I buried my car keys./ If I knew my daughter was going to become a full-time stripper, I never would’ve given her all that money for graduate school./ My 8-year-old absolutely loves his junior mixed martial arts cage-fighting league. The problem is the idiot parents screaming in the stands./ I went to a matchmaker because I’m looking to hook up tonight./ We had to install medal-detectors in order to keep out Olympians./ Rarely am I more excited than when I read my local newspaper’s crime report and recognize the name of someone I went to high school with./ If I’m invited to a dinner party, I always bring a nice bottle of wine if I think it will help initiate an after-dinner orgy./ I’m mad as hell, and I’m gonna keep taking it!!!
I’m always afraid that when I’m in the audience, the stand-up comedian will ask me “where I’m from” and I won’t have a funny response./ I’m not afraid to kiss my old-fashioned landline phone because I’m secure in my heterotextuality./ I built an underground shelter in case there’s a nuclear war. But it’s only for celebrities./ When people ask me where I keep my Academy Award, I explain that I don’t have one./ Do plastic bottles make good pets?/ Remember — the most dangerous place to be during a hurricane is inside a freezer./ A Glade plug-in that smells like air? But that doesn’t make any scents./ If I could have dinner with any three people in the world, dead or alive, it would be whoever the most popular kids in high school are right now./ Okay. Fine. I’ll be your damn kids’ role model./
Your life is defined by how you’ve affected other people… until the day those people die… and then your life is meaningless./ Instead of unhealthy candy, for Halloween this year, I’m handing out selfies./ In a perfect world, EVERYONE would be trending./ Hey, guys. I’m looking for a place to crash tonight…maybe two nights…I’ll be gone by the end of the week…nine days tops…I’m never leaving./ If I was a track coach, I’d tell my sprinters to run faster./ I want to star in a reality show about the Kardashians’ life./ My doctor said I was going to die. I actually feel very healthy. On the other hand, my doctor is pointing a gun at me./ I’m writing an autobiography. I’m up to the chapter where I decide to fabricate my autobiography./
I would consider getting plastic surgery if, for some reason, I had to leave my house./ Do you think the nation’s grammar is deteriorating!/ I can tell when my wife is mad at me because she withholds rough sex./ Don’t be afraid of the challenges that lie ahead. Instead, just avoid them./ I’m disappointed by the planet’s lack of racial diversity./ Time sure does fly. It seems like only yesterday that I was saying, “Can you believe tomorrow is only a day away?”/ Here’s an important lesson I learned: Never bring a spoon to a gunfight./ “Sometimes I think the whole world is out to pet me.” – paranoid dog/ After televised Presidential debates, I like to analyze which network’s focus group won./ I hope they retire my number because it’s 65.
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