Photo by Chris Favero
An Elephant never forgets…
By Galanty Miller
They say an elephant never forgets. That’s why elephant marriages rarely work out./ It’s a hot night, but luckily my blanket is air-conditioned./ I cut off all my hair to support my friend who was diagnosed with cancer during his skinhead rally./ I thought I was gonna murder that guy first. So I had to kill him in self-offense./ When I die, I hope I’m not reincarnated as someone on their death bed./ “Let’s take a chance and do something new and original!” – Hollywood executive about to get fired/ The key is to picture everyone in their underwear, not just when you’re public speaking, but all the time./ They say that “being dead” is the new “90”!/ To believe in a higher power is against my religion./ My theater group performed a play written by Prince Charles, but had to pay royalties./ My car runs on solar-powered gasoline./ I’m worried that if my son goes to school with a pink assault rifle, the other kids will make fun of him./ Be careful what you wish for. I wish I would be more careful./ The passenger sitting next to me had a dream last night that our plane didn’t crash. So I’m not worried that we just lost a wing./ I put the sugar substitute for white people here and the sugar substitute for black people in a different spot. They’re separate but Equal./ “I’m not here to make friends” … is NOT what I should’ve said while I was pledging the fraternity./ Wearing an oxford shirt is unnatural. It’s Adam & Eve, not Adam & SLEEVE.
I listen to my kids’ music to make sure they’re not hearing any offensive melodies./ Every Saturday night, my wife & I have “date night”. But that’s the only time during the week we’re apart./ I try to learn at least one new thing everyday. Today I learned it’s too much of a hassle to try to learn one new thing a day./ I’ll bet you a million dollars that I’m a millionaire. But you have to pay up first./ When playing “Truth or Dare”, I always pick “truth.” Because dares can be embarrassing. But if you pick “truth”, you can always lie./ I’m conflicted about this wedding because while I support gay marriage, I think Brett might be cheating on Brian./ My best friend’s wedding is during breakfast, so I’ve been asked to make the toast./ I re-tweet all the death threats I receive./ Are you supposed to tip a prostitute?/ I’m a wimpy drinker. The last thing I remember Saturday night, before blacking out, was finishing up my second beer./ I don’t have a lot of friends, so when I get married, I’m just gonna look for a “best man” on Craigslist./ I eat fast food every single day because I believe in living life to the fattest./ We need to stop illegal emigration because my maid keeps trying to escape./ “Surely, Temple University is not where you’re going to college.” “It is- and don’t call me Shirley Temple.”/ I got a tattoo of the word “death” on my arm. Hopefully, it’s not permanent./ I’ve been truly blessed with so much good luck./ Don’t let other people stand in the way of your dream of being a hermit./ As a responsible drug dealer, I always “tag” my hash. But how can I spread the word that I’m doing this?/ Never let your Facebook friends not “liking” your ‘motivational sayings’ posts from reaching your dreams./ My gut is telling me I should see a doctor about my talking gut.
I slept with an employee and never called her back. But it’s okay because it was on ‘casual sex Friday’./ My family moved to Idaho when I was a child and it was awful… but mostly because they didn’t take me with them./ They should make a beer that freshens your breath- for those mornings you have to go to work./ I have the best acquaintances in the whole wide world! (You guys are always there for me when I need you every couple of months.)/ We can stop teenagers from smoking by educating them about other ways to ingest nicotine./ I’m an organ donor, but only if it goes to someone famous./ The oldest living American is a 116-year-old woman. She is the only voice of her generation./ You’d be surprised, but miming is actually a lot harder to do than it is to watch./ If I could ask God one question, it would be, “How can I save up to 15% on car insurance?”/ I just got run over by an ambulance! Quick! Someone call an… no, nevermind./ When I got out with my wife, I always bring a wingman./ I can always count on my friends. (They have abacus tattoos.)/ I have a very you-deprecating sense of humor./ My fiancée is still a virgin because she’s saving herself for the bachelorette party./ When I’m not doing yoga, I mostly just sit around./ “Sometimes I think women only like me because I’m money.” – Donald Trump’s Money/ I’ve been meaning to tell my fiancée that I want to break up, but we’ve both just been so busy planning the wedding./ My wife and I wrote our wedding vows on Snapchat./ The devil’s greatest feat is tricking people into thinking he doesn’t exist. His second-greatest feat is making Russell Brand famous./ I never apologize because it’s better to be safe than sorry./ My ex-wife and I are sharing custardy with our Boston cream doughnut filling./ If they make Gone Girl into a book, who do you think should play the lead characters?/ I think the ecstasy drug should be legal as long as you have a prescription from a horny stranger who wants to bang./ Christmas must be a lonely time of the year for people in prison for murdering their families./ Never give up on the dreams your parents have for you./ Breakfast is the most important meal of the morning./ I’m very organized. Hence, I finished up all my Christmas shopping in 2008./ Never let some pointless motivational babble stop you from reaching your goals.
About the Author: